


what colour is to the eyes

by Elizabethtudor



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - 19th Century, Angst, F/M, Idiots in Love, Loss of Virginity, Minor Finn/Rose Tico, Non-Linear Narrative, References to Jane Austen, Second Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-03 23:28:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17887160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elizabethtudor/pseuds/Elizabethtudor
Summary: Five years ago, Rey Niima was loved and ruined by Ben Solo.  Her reputation now in tatters, she has put herself in a self-imposed exile until she receives a letter from Rose begging her to return to Bath for a season.  For the first time in five years, Rey is forced to face the ghosts of her past and the man she still loves.Loosely inspired by Persuasion by Jane Austen and The Mill on the Floss by George Eliot.





	what colour is to the eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Please see the end for Historical Notes and general nerd stuff.

_“You have been to my affections what light, what colour is to the eyes- what music is to the inward ear... I can measure your sacrifice by what I have known in half an hour of your presence with me when I dreamed that you might love me best.” - George Eliot, The Mill on the Floss_

_“Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconsistent.” -Jane Austen Persuasion_

The invitation came on a fairly unsuspecting envelope. As Rey sat down at her small desk, candle in one hand and letter in the other, she could feel her bones begin their long series of complaints. Despite the fact that her current charges as a governess were growing older and thus quieter, Rey couldn’t shake the fact that she too was growing older alongside them. Mindful that she had already spent too much of her monthly allowance on candles, Rey opened the letter. Rose’s hand was unchanged since her last letter, a plea for her to leave the governess position and marry Finn’s close friend Poe. Not a love match but merely a practical choice for the girl with no other options. But Reyhad sent a scathing reply and the two hadn’t spoken almost a year. Rose’s letter was simple. 

_Dear Rey,_

_I have received good news. Finn and I are to have our first child. If you can, we would love to host you at Bath for the season. I’ve been driven mad with all this resting and I know Finn misses you dearly._

_Love, Rose_

_P.S. I am sorry to hear about Luke’s passing._

Rey sighed. At the surface, the request was simple. She had been to Bath only once before and it has ruined her. A return trip was not something she had ever wanted. But though it went unsaid, Rey knew her friend well and could feel the fear in between Rose’s simple request. Her sister had died in childbirth only a few years before. While she didn’t doubt Rose and Finn desired her to be near the baby, the postscript gave her pause. 

Luke had died almost two months ago. He had died alone. She didn’t attend the funeral, despite Leia’s constant encouragement to do so. She didn’t need sympathy. She wasn’t worthy of it. 

Yet that was not what worried her. Rose knew that the mention of Luke went beyond comforting a friend over the loss of her guardian, despite the distance between them at Luke’s death. She knew that tied to Luke, to Leia, to every Skywalker was Him. The man who ruined her life. The man she once loved. Maybe still did.

As Rey shuffled through her manuscript papers looking for a fresh sheet to reply with, she could not help but give in to this sense of foreboding. It was as if he was here with her and she was but a foolish girl again. She put her pen away, preferring to stare in the distance. 

For as long as she could remember, she had been alone. Even as Luke Skywalker’s ward, he was more of a monk than a father. She knew he cared for her: he kept a roof over her head, fed her, and made sure she wanted for nothing. But she could never help feeling like there was something in her, a memory no matter how faint, of loving and being loved. He had given her that before cruelly ripping it away.

Rey shook her head. The last time she had allowed herself to think this way, it had lead to her ruin. Leaving the letter until tomorrow, she quickly changed into her shift and blew out the candle. Her last thought before she whisked herself off to sleep was a curse to Ben Solo, for he was always the one who made her dream.

***

The first time Rey met Ben Solo, it was at the edge of a sword.

Out of all the many wonderful things in Luke Skywalker’s estate, Rey’s favourite object was the sword his father had used to fight in the Napoleonic Wars. Rey often liked to take it down from its place on the mantelpiece and mimic what she imagined sword fighting to be. She was Arthur’s trusted knight and the French were storming the castle. She was at Waterloo, preparing to lead her troops to victory. Luke refused to teach beyond the basics of not cutting your arm off but Rey practiced all the same. It was while she was practicing that Ben Solo found her.

“That sword belongs to me.” As Rey turned around, she saw a face that could only be Ben Solo. A stranger to her in face but it reputation as well known as her favourite books. He was younger than she imagined and had a dark look in his eyes that she couldn’t quite place. This was Luke’s heir who would be living with alongside her for the next few months. And Rey had already made him angry.

“If you want it,” Rey said, “Come and get it.”

“I’m not going to fight you,” the boy shifted as though he wasn’t used to having so many eyes on him at once. “It’s not dignified.” 

Rey shrugged, never having been one for dignity thanks to Luke’s eccentric parenting. “Who cares? It’s fun.”

Ben didn’t reply, instead choosing to sit down with the first book he could hold in his hands. Rey rolled her eyes. It figured that with her luck she was stuck with the only kid in all of England who didn’t care for swordplay. She looked longingly at Luke’s own sword, forged custom at his eighteenth birthday by one of the greatest swordsman the world had ever know, the Duke of Yoda, that was sadly off limits to her. Rumour was that Luke had forged it as Yoda’s pupil but that part of his life was a mystery to her. She longed to best it in battle with the Skywalker sword and prove her worthiness to be a member of the family. Instead she was stuck with Lord of Boring who was reading… a book on etiquette that was probably older than Luke. Really how dull could a boy be. Micheaviously she crept up to Ben, sword in hand. Before he had time to react, she hit the book from his hands, breaking the spine and sending the pages everywhere. 

“Hey!” Ben cried, “I was reading that!”

“Please,” Rey said, “You and I both know that book is older than Luke and not nearly as interesting as this. Come on. Fight me.”

“You do know that there are other things in life worth doing besides violence?”

“None that I’ve found.”

With a sigh, Ben walked over and picked up Luke’s sword. “I’m only doing this so you’ll leave me alone.”

Rey lunged forward, surprised when Ben successfully blocked her attack. For a nerd, he was surprisingly good. Rey countered, only to again find herself at the edge of his sword. “You’re good,” Rey said.

Ben didn’t reply, only launching an offensive attack that left Rey breathless and up against the wall. Angry at losing ground so early in the game, Rey countered wildly, swinging the sword in strokes that were way too broad and left her in no better position than before.

Ben fought unlike any other person she had known. It all looked effortless but if one was to keep an eye on his eyes as he fought, you could see the effort and thought behind every swing. He was calculating when she was wild. He fought as if this was a game of chess and he had all but one man left. He may appear to be the underdog, but he’d certainly have your king in check within two moves. 

Realizing she was outmatched, Rey switched tactics. Waiting for his sense of chivalry to kick in, she feigned an injury. As he reached for her, sword fight forgotten, she raised her sword. However in the few seconds in her lifting the sword, she had misjudged how far away he was. Her sword sliced through his face as he screamed.

***

Rey’s dreams that night had a ghost haunting them. Everywhere she turned, she was haunted by a man with dark eyes and a scar on his face. Her body was quickly falling back into old patterns of feeling and Rey traitorously let it. For the first time in almost five years, she allowed herself to remember the girl who had loved Ben Solo. Yet every good memory that crossed her mind was undercut by a sharp, almost painful remembrance that she had lost him too. 

Before she could let herself change her mind, she wrote to Rose saying that she would be happy to come and put it out to be mailed. The two weeks before she left passed in an almost strange blur like Rey was walking on the edge, drunk. She wanted to see him again. She wished he were dead. Sometimes in the dark of night, she let herself wonder if he had married. Surely she would have heard otherwise. She would sense it. But time lay between them, an aching chasm.

The train to Bath was brutal. As she sat among the other passengers, all she could hear was the rapid beating of her heart. She was a haunted woman. For the not the first time this week, she was reminded of the times she came home to Luke’s after a semester at finishing school (her punishment for disfiguring Ben. Luke thought she would never make it through a semester. Rey graduated with honours). She remembered the second time she saw Ben Solo. The moment she realized she could fall in love with him.

***

The scar looked harsher in the light of day. Though Rey supposed that when she had last seen it, it had been through a crack in the door as she peaked in his room before heading to finishing school. He had looked so weak and small in the bed, the bandages on his wound slightly askew to reveal the harsh line carved straight into his face. Now, Rey watched from the window as Ben entered Luke’s manor for the first time since that fated visit.

No doubt they were here to make adjustments to Luke’s will. Ever since she had accidentally disfigured him, Ben had avoided the Skywalker homestead. Instead, Luke called on Leia and her husband every now again, ensuring that Rey was never in the same room as Ben. Rey knew there was a part of Ben that had never forgiven Luke for not throwing his ward out on the spot when the accident occured. However, the past year had not been kind to Luke’s health, causing him to reevaluate his finances and postpone any travel. Thus Ben, for the first time in eight years came to them.

Rey had long been curious about Ben Solo. Even before their disastrous meeting, the trueborn heir of the Skywalker line was a constant presence in her mind. He was a question that haunted her: if Luke had him, why had he made himself her guardian? He was an obstacle in her own security and future, leaving Rey only with a small annual income when Luke died. Another person might have hated him. Instead, a young Rey used to dream that maybe one day he would marry her and that she would no longer need to feel like an interloper in Luke’s world. The older her knew it was foolish. He would marry someone with a dowry and a title. Yet, Rey, at twenty, seeing him for a second time couldn’t help but remark how tall he was in person.

Rey sat back in her chair, returning to her book. In the years since she was sent away, she had learnt to appreciate the art of poetry. She had sent off several notices to families who were seeking a governess yet had received no reply. Her future might be fraught with peril, but she was determined to rely on no man for it. She would make her way in the world as she had for the past twenty: alone. 

“‘I am half sick of shadows, she said / the Lady of Shalott,’” a dark, masculine voice said, interrupting her reprieve. Rey jumped, turning to the doorway of Luke’s library to find none other than Ben Solo standing at the door. Under the soft glow of candlelight, his scar was blurred. He was, unfortunately, more good looking up close. “I’m sorry for interrupting your reading but Luke appears to be not in.” Damn him, Rey thought. Luke was always disappearing off to the woods to explore whatever latest Eastern religious trick he had read in his books. “What do you think of Tennyson’s collection?”

Rey shrugged. “I appreciate his Arthurian poems but I don’t quite think its some of the best poetry I’ve read.”

“I see. What kind of poetry does Rey Niima read in her spare time?”

“Well,” said Rey hesitantly as it was rare for anyone to ask of her opinion, never mind a man like Ben Solo, “I finished a marvelous collection of poetry by the poets Currer, Ellis, and Acton Bell.”

“I don’t believe I’ve heard of them.”

“You will. No doubt they will one day reach a fame on the level of Elizabeth Barrett Browning.”

Ben’s expression was unreadable. Rey could feel sweat trickle down her back. She always felt nervous talking to men, particularly educated men on matters such as poetry. To them, she was a novelty. A poor woman, adopted by a rich lord and educated thusly. She was not one of the landed gentry and never would be. She was humoured and then laughed at once she left the room. It didn’t matter if the poet in question was someone like Keats who had famously been a doctor and a member of the lower class like herself. She could never quite keep up.

Before Rey could think too much about who or what she was quoting, she began to speak: “I am the only being whose doom / No tongue would ask, no eye would mourn; / I have never caused a thought of gloom, / or smile of joy since I was born.”

Ben flinched back as though she had slapped him. “What did you say?”

“I was merely quoting one of the brothers Bell.”

Ben furrowed his brow. An awkward silence enveloped the two. “Perhaps, Miss Niima you should stay away from poetry. I’m sure there’s an Ann Radcliffe novel that would be more suitable.”

Rey’s cheeks burned. She instantly regretted any kind words she might have thought about Ben Solo. Pompous, rich assholes like him never change. She put down her book, storming angrily out of the library. 

However, the next time she entered the library a few days later, she noted with a shock that her copy of _Poems by Currer, Ellis and Acton Bell_ was missing.

***

Rose was skinnier than Rey would have hoped. When she had last laid eyes on the woman, she still had traces of her baby fat upon her cheeks. Now, her body seemed to have sucked all of its life out in favour of the small bump on her stomach.

“Rose,” Rey began, unsure of where to proceed. Her friend wrapped her arms around her and gave her a hug. 

“Rey, it’s so good to see you. It’s been too long.”

In that moment, it seemed as if the distance between them was nothing but a few minutes. “I-” Rey started and stopped.

“There’s no need. We both said things we regret last time. Let’s not waste anymore time on the past.”

Despite herself, Rey felt tears well in her eyes. She squeezed Rose tighter. She could remember the first time she met Rose, her father a prominent Hong Kong merchant who had sent his daughter away to be educated. As Rey stood among a set of girls, all with obvious genteel background, she noticed Rose alone in a corner. The two had been inseparable until the unfortunate Poe incident. She and her husband, Finn, the acknowledged bastard son of a former sugar plantation owner, had been her only friends to stick by her after… They knew what it was to be an outsider.

“Promise me you didn’t ask me all the way here just to set me up with Poe.” Rey knew that in some ways a political marriage with Poe was a good idea. There would be no love between them. Everyone knew that Poe preferred the company of men. But Rey had tasted what love felt like once upon a time and would not settle for anything less.

Rose shook her head. “No, I’m about to enter confidentment and I am bored silly.”

Rey smiled. “You are lucky that my current charges are so accommodating. And that I haven’t taken a vacation in years.”

“Maybe you were the wrong person for the job,” Rose teased. “After all, how can I trust you to entertain me when you have been in a self-imposed exile for the past five years?”

Something in Rey’s chest tightened. “You should try it sometime. Time away from society means I’ve finally mastered embroidery. Our former headmistress would be proud of the handkerchiefs I’ve made.”

Rose smiled. “You have changed Rey Niima.”

Not by choice, Rey thought. “My love for you is constant though. Now, please tell me everything I’ve missed since we last spoke.”

***

The strangest thing happened after Ben met with Luke: he stayed. Rey saw him often in the study replying to the letters that had started being sent her way. He even started dining with Luke and her, turning their normally comfortable silences into awkward pauses of conversation. Rey could only bear to be there for so long before the awkwardness of it all threatened to break her out in hives. The worst part was Ben was not content with silence, instead insisting on discussing what was happening in his day and worse still, wanting to know what was happening in her day.

“And you, Miss Niima?” he asked, “How goes the governess hunt?”

Rey shot Luke a dirty look. He had promised to keep her search a secret but clearly someone had told Ben and that someone was not her. “There’s a position that seems promising,” she lied. The position had seemed promising but apparently her reputation as a poor girl who disfigured the heir of the most powerful families preceded her and they had long since stopped replying.

“What I can’t understand is why you haven’t had a season in Bath,” Ben said, a smirk forming on his face. “It seems that is all my female peers are talking about and aspiring towards. Surely, you should want the same.”

Rey shot him a sticky sweet smile of her own. “I’m sure that a man of such immense talents such as yourself Mr. Solo would realize that I am not like those girls.” Though there were days that she wished she could be. Her friend Rose had begun a season a month ago and her letters filled Rey with a strange luxury of longings that a girl like her couldn’t afford.

“Surely, it isn’t an issue of finances?” Ben inquired, clearly not taking the hint. “I’m sure my uncle isn’t such a recluse that he cannot afford to put you up with his sister for the season.”

Luke, as usual, remained silent. Rey was reminded of what he told her when they first realized that Ben might not be leaving when expected: “Somewhere, there is a good man in my nephew. But it has been so long since that man existed and now he is at his age of maturity, he is on a warpath. He blames me for allowing our family name to fall into ruin. He means to hurt me and is not beyond using you to do so. Don’t be fooled by his pretty eyes. Don’t trust him.”

“Tell me, Mr. Solo. If you are such a supporter of the season, why aren’t you there yourself? Surely London or Bath is more entertaining than the moors of Yorkshire.”

“I have my reasons,” Ben replied but mercifully let the topic drop and the dinner finish in silence. 

That night as Rey lay alone in her bed, her thoughts returned to Ben Solo. If she hadn’t known better, she would have thought that these challenges were a chance for her to prove how much of a rake Ben Solo was. That he enjoyed their shared barbs. That maybe she enjoyed them too. That she, somehow against her will, had found herself seduced by the luxury of being a powerful man’s centre of attention. But surely the notion he enjoyed her too was nothing more than fiction. Ben Solo could never love a woman like her.

***

Rey’s dreams betrayed her again, showing her visions of a dark haired rogue with a scar on his face that kissed her senseless. Perhaps she dreamed senselessly too. As she sat down to breakfast with Rose and Finn, she couldn’t quite shake the visions that the night had brought her. 

“Have you told Leia that you are here?” Rose asked, “I’m sure she’d love to see you. She’s been so good to Finn and I these past few months.”

“I haven’t yet,” Rey said. “I’m not sure that she would want to talk to me.”

Finn gave her one of his signature looks. The kind that stripped her of any pretense and exposed her for what she was. The last time she had seen that look was the day the story of her ruin spread. “Rey, Leia Organa may hold some of the biggest titles in the country but she is no stranger to scandal herself. She loves you.”

Rey remembered the few times she had spent with Leia before finishing school where Leia tried to school her in ladylike behaviour only for the lessons to dissolve into discussions of strategy and games of chess. She remembered how immediately after her ruin, she burnt any letter Leia sent her away without reading them. It wasn’t until Luke’s death that she learnt those letters had contained pleas for her to visit Luke to restore his health. She was a murderer as well as a whore and wasn’t fit for Leia’s presence, nevermind her sympathy and charity. 

“I’m not ready yet, Finn. It’s honestly a miracle I made it here in the first place,” Rey replied as honestly as she could.

“Fine,” Finn said, “But promise me you’ll do so before you leave. It’s been a long time and you deserve to have someone who isn’t us telling you that we love you.”

Rey smiled. “You two are all I need.”

Rose reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze. “Oh Rey,” she said softly, “You deserve so much more.”

***

It was a sunny day when they were told Han Solo had died. Rey had only met the man a few times but had enjoyed his sense of humour and the way he looked at Leia as if she laid all the stars in the sky. Ben disappeared onto the moors after hearing the news and wasn’t seen for most of the day. As dinner grew closer and closer, Rey felt a sense of foreboding. 

“Are you sure he is okay?” she asked Luke for what must have been the hundredth time. 

“Ben will come back when he is meant to,” Luke replied, cryptically as usual. 

“I’m going after him,” Rey said as she made her way to the door. “If I’m not back in two hours, send a search party.”

Luke muttered a reply but she was already out the door.

It was a truly beautiful afternoon, the wind on the moors more of a carrass than a slap. Rey wandered down the footpaths, making sure to avoid the sheep shit and some of the more headstrong sheep. She finally found Ben Solo by one of the ponds, sitting on a rock.

“Ben,” she called, surprised when he looked at her, his eyes brimming with tears and another look she couldn’t quite identify. 

He watched her as she made her way towards him, sitting down on a smaller rock beside him. 

“Ben, I’m-”

“Don’t,” he interrupted her. “I don’t want pity. Not from you.”

“It’s not pity,” she said, “He was your father.”

He snorted. “Some father he was. You know I’ve spent most of this day on this rock, angry at myself because I’m not crying. I don’t feel anything at all. I should be crying. I should feel something. But all he gave me was a sense of loneliness that made it impossible to miss him when he was really gone. Because he left me a long time ago.”

Rey surprised herself by taking his hand. “I might not know much of fathers but I do know something of loneliness.”

“I killed my father. When I was born, my father was determined to make me into a man. His kind of man. And when I preferred books to hunting, when I pushed him away, that killed him.”

“Ben, you are not your father but I know he loved you all the same.”

“You know when I was young, I promised myself, I would do everything to fix what he broke. He made so many bad decisions. I was going to fix them all. But now it all seems so insignificant. Now that…” He paused, letting that sentence linger unfinished.

Ben then laughed. “Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?” Rey asked.

“Being kind to me. Ever since I’ve been here, I have treated you like garbage.”

Rey shrugged. “Well I don’t know what your fancy schooling taught you but mine taught me to be kind to people, no matter how terrible they might be. You may hate me but that doesn’t change that in this moment, you are hurting.”

“I don’t hate you.”

Rey laughed. “That’s a good one. Ben you can’t stand me half of the time. When you can stand me, you are rude to me. I may not have your education but I know hatred when I see it.”

“You do?” Ben said, his tone dark and haunting, “Ah you do.”

Rey’s stomach fluttered. As if possessed, she let go of his hand and carefully brought her own to his cheek. Carefully, she traced the scar she had given him, an echo of the sharp legacy that ran through his blood. He inhaled as if her touch burned. “I never apologized. Or at least not properly,” she said, unsure if he was listening.

“It’s not too late,” he said, each word carefully measured but who he was speaking them to uncertain.

They stood, frozen in a tableau. Rey hadn’t appreciated his finner features until now. Her heart was racing in her chest. Before she could think too much about it, Rey brought her lips to his.

He was frozen at first. She had kissed before, mostly village boys who tended to maul her. Not Ben. He stood perfectly still and chaste, waiting for her to take the first move. With each passing second she had her lips on his, she felt herself coming alive like she had never been before. She pushed her body against his own, her hands gently running through his hair. She nearly growled with satisfaction when he finally started to respond, returning her kiss as sweet as any candy. When she broke off the kiss, he whispered, “Don’t stop.”

“Ben, I-”

“I don’t care,” he whispered, pulling her onto his lap. “Just kiss me.”

She obliged, turning the sweet kiss into something more wild, more desperate. She could feel herself teething into the edge of some dark abyss. Knowing the danger lay ahead but not being able to care. She broke apart from him, only to start kissing the scar, tracing the edge of the mark she had left on his skin with her tongue. He made a noise as she began tracing down his neck. She pushed him down onto the ground, straddling him. She returned to kissing him, gently allowing her tongue to explore his mouth. She bit down on his lip, smiling wickedly. 

His hands explored her torso, cupping her breasts. She made a sound of encouragement as he began to explore them through the layers of fabric. She could feel his hardness between her thighs and it excited her. She knew they should stop but she couldn’t help herself. Every breath, every touch sang to a part of herself that felt so alone to not stop, never stop.

As soon as it started, it was gone as Ben pushed her away. Breathing heavily, Rey felt too hot, too exposed even though every item of clothing, no matter how askew, was still present. “I’m sorry,” Rey said. “I don’t know what came over me. Perhaps, it is a good thing I am not part of your society.”

Ben didn’t reply. As time settled and his touch began to feel like a memory, Rey’s anxiety grew. “Ben?” she said. “I wasn’t that bad that I’ve stunned you to silence have I?”

When Ben replied, it was enough to knock her into the ground. “Marry me.”

“That’s not funny, Ben,” Rey said. “I know what we did wasn’t proper but trust me, it won’t ruin me. Your honour, however kind, is misplaced.”

“I’m entirely serious. Rey Niima, marry me.”

“Ben Solo, I’m afraid I have kissed you silly. I can’t marry you. I have no title, no dowry. I’m not the kind of girl you will marry.”

“You’re the only girl I want to marry,” Ben said, gripping her hands in his own. “Rey Niima from the moment I first saw you as a boy, you have been the only woman I have ever thought about. You shine so brightly that you blind everyone in a room. I have spent the last few months begging you to look at me, favour me with a minute of your bright glance. You think I hate you? Rey Niima if I loved you any more, I would die. You have consumed me, body and soul.”

Rey stared at him in a combination of shock and horror. “Ben,” she said softly, “If I loved you, I could not allow you to debase yourself to marrying me. You deserve better.”

“And if I wasn’t Ben Solo? If I was merely a farm boy in love with Luke Skywalker’s ward?”

Rey felt her heart constrict. The possibility hurt too much to imagine. The idea that someone could love her so completely and wholly and she was forced to refuse him out of courtesy was some kind of cruel punishment. The worst was she could feel herself falling for him too. “I can’t let you do this,” she whispered, a tear falling down her cheek.

“Answer the question Rey. If you and I had no titles between us, would you refuse me?”

She would. She would. She would.

The lie wasn’t even convincing to her. 

For so long she had been alone. Her guardian had a title, a bloodline. She might be a member of the gentry but she had no title, land, or prospects. But Ben… when he looked at her as if she was the only thing that matter, when he held her in his arms and made her feel safe. A few more kisses like that, Rey thought, and I will give him my soul. 

“No,” she lied.

Ben let go of her hands. “I don’t believe you.”

“It’s the truth. Ben Solo, I must refuse your hand.”

“You must? I don’t think anyone made Rey Niima do anything in her life.”

Rey’s heart was breaking. He got up and lay a kiss on her forehead. She watched as Ben began to walk home. Then, she was alone again.

***

On her second day in Bath, Rey met Poe for the first time.

“So this is the girl who refused to marry me,” Poe said. He was just as handsome as Rose said he was. 

Rey smiled. “Mr. Dameron, your reputation precedes you.”

“Ouch. Is it too much to hope that you’ve only heard the good parts of my reputation?”

“Depends,” Rey said, “Can I count on you to do the same for me?”

Poe smiled. “She’s just as sharp as you said,” he said to Finn.

As Rey watched her two friends converse, she felt the ghost of conversations she had with Ben. Being there, exchanging barbs with someone new… It was too much. She wasn’t foolish. She knew Rose and Finn were avoiding the topic of Ben Solo. Morbidly, Rey wondered why. Perhaps they thought it was easier this way. But being loved by Ben Solo was unlike any other form of love that Rey knew. It was as if she was the centre of his world. It was a kind of love that was impossible to forget. To pretend otherwise was foolish.

“You know I had an agenda in calling on you, Finn,” Poe said.

“You did?”

“Yes. I was wondering if I could borrow the delightful Miss Niima to be my escort at a party. It’s thrown by that abominable fellow Armitage Hux. Which makes it as a must attend, particularly with an escort as beautiful as Miss Niima.”

Rey’s breath caught. Though the name Hux was familiar to her and brought out nothing but sad memories, but the chance that Ben could be there was overwhelming. “You are aware of the scandal that would cause if I say yes?” she asked.

Poe smiled. “I’m counting on it. You see Miss Niima, I’m not one for moralities. If I see a beautiful thing, I have no qualms in taking pleasure in that thing. However, not all agree with my ideas. So when a scandal occurs, my philosophy is this: create an even bigger scandal to make those concerned with morality forget. You and I have had our share of scandals. Let’s give them something to talk about that we are in control of for once.”

Before this meeting, Rey had heard much talk about Poe Dameron. Rumour was he was a rake, a scoundrel of the most unnatural nature who preferred the company of men to woman. Most who valued their reputation stayed far away from him. But Rey’s reputation was already ruined. Surely a night out with a man like Poe Dameron was nothing but a drop in the water of her sins. And if Ben was there, perhaps all the talk the night would cause would be worth it for just a moment in his presence again.

“I’ll do it,” Rey said.

Poe clapped his hands together. “Fantastic.”

***

Ben vanished before Rey had the chance to say she was sorry for what happened between them on the moors.

Until that afternoon, Rey had never thought of herself as a marriageable type. Surely she had the education for it and if she ventured out into the season like Rose had, she might have found someone desperate enough to marry her. But that person would never compare to Ben Solo. Ben had everything she had longed for as a child: the Skywalker name, a family who loved him. While economically, it surely made sense for them to marry in some way as it would avoid part of Luke Skywalker’s estate going to his nobody of a ward. But Rey had never been one too concerned with the economics of things beyond what it took to survive. She had always thought, foolishly so, that if she was to marry, it would be for love. It was a silly notion that a girl like her couldn’t afford.

Did she love Ben Solo? She certainly liked him as much as she was loath to admit it. She enjoyed barbing with him, the gentle ways he would push her. He was certainly not a conventionally beautiful man but looks were subjective. When he looked at her, her legs turned to jelly and her torso liquid. He had her thinking of things that had her tossing around in bed at night, awaking hot and frustrated, the place between her legs aching. Still. When she imagined love, it was a force that went beyond the physical. Could she love a man like Ben Solo? Perhaps if she let herself be taken so wholly by him body and soul. If she knew him carnally, it was a very real possibility.

Maybe she was naive. Certainly there wouldn’t be another proposal like Ben’s. She should take it. Love would come, she was certain of it. Yet, if she loved Ben, she knew allowing him to love her would be the cruelest gift she could give him.

“You’re quiet tonight,” Luke remarked at dinner almost a week after Ben disappeared.

“We’re always quiet at dinner.”

“Sure,” Luke said, “But you are extra quiet tonight. What happened between you and Ben on the moors?”

“Nothing,” Rey said. “I merely offered my condolences on his father’s passing. Did he say anything before he left?”

“Not exactly,” Luke said. “But he had the look of a haunted man.”

Rey didn’t respond, unsure of how to discuss Ben without discussing that afternoon with him. How if he hadn’t stopped her, she probably would have given him everything with no regrets. If she couldn’t have him in matrimony, she would have settled for having him carnally. But when he asked her to marry him, when the possibility of his love became real, she had said no. Like a fool.

“Rey,” Luke said, a knowing look on his face. “I don’t exactly know what happened between you and my nephew but a part of me feels as though I’ve been a selfish guardian. You are no longer a girl and I shouldn’t keep you imprisoned in this house. It was selfish of me to do just that. Ben may be wrong about many things but in this, he is right. You should be allowed to attend the rest of the season. In fact, I should make you do so.”

Rey smiled. “I don’t think you could make me do anything.”

“No,” Luke agreed. “But I do think that leaving here will be good for you. Those governess positions will still be there at the end of the season. In fact, I will write you a letter of recommendation myself. Just please give it a chance.”

When Rey didn’t quickly respond, Luke pressed on. “I think Leia would be happy to see you.”

Leia. And with her… Ben. Something within Rey cracked. “I’ll do it,” she replied, unsure if she had made the right choice. Within two weeks, she was headed to Bath.

***

“This is a bad idea,” Rose said.

Rey sighed. “I know it is, Rose.”

“You are really going to attend a party thrown by Armitage Hux as if he didn’t ruin your life five years ago?”

“I ruined my life, Rose. No one else.”

Rose rolled her eyes. “Don’t give me that bullshit. It takes more than one person to have sex.”

Looking at herself in the mirror, Rey adjusted her earring. “You do know you can pleasure yourself, right? I don’t need to have a talk with Finn about the mediocre sex he’s been giving you.”

Rose slapped Rey lightly with a fan. “Our sex life is none of your business Rey Niima. Though if you must know, mediocre is not a word I would use to describe it. Bloody fantastic works better.”

Rey smiled. “That’s my girl,” she said.

Rose sighed. “I still don’t know what going to a party that Hux is throwing is going to prove. He has been talking about you as a loose woman for five years. How is appearing with Poe, who I love to death but is not exactly a picture of virtue, going to change that?”

“It’s not,” Rey admitted. “It’s going to get me through the door.”

A look of knowing crossed Rose’s face. “No. Rey please tell me that this isn’t some scheme to get Ben back.” When Rey didn’t respond, Rose continued on. “Rey, the Ben Solo you knew and loved is dead. I know you have been away for a while but he’s changed. You both have.”

“I don’t care,” Rey admitted to both Rose and herself. “It’s been five years. Five years since that fucker ruined me. I know exactly how cruel he has become. But I need to see him. I need to look him in the eyes and tell him that he hasn’t broken me. I know once I see him if the Ben I loved is still there.”

Rose looked at her, surprised. Rey continued, “I know you have Finn and you might not understand but I loved Ben Solo. I need to see him one last time before I say goodbye to him.”

Rose nodded. “I won’t pretend I understand. But I will help you.”

Rey squeezed her hand. “Thank you.”

***

The first few days in Leia’s house were awkward. Rey wasn’t sure how much Leia knew but she rarely found herself alone with Ben. It was on the third day when she finally got the opportunity to speak with him alone, in Leia’s library. He sat among the books reading a letter that Rey couldn’t quite see.

“You know,” he remarked, “It’s common custom to leave a person alone after you refuse their suit. Not appear for the rest of the season in the house they are living in.”

“Ben, I need to talk to you.”

“Haven’t you said enough? Haven’t we both said enough?”

“Ben, I lied.”

That got his attention. He brought his eyes up to Rey’s. “What?”

Rey took a deep breath. “Ben, when I picture my future, I am always alone. That day was the first time I saw a version of my future where I wasn’t alone and it terrified me. I know you want to fix your father’s legacy. Let me help you with that. Let us never be alone again. But I don’t know if I can marry you. I can’t let you ruin yourself.”

Ben looked at her like he could not believe the words she was saying. He put his hand to her cheek. “Rey,” he said simply. “You mean more to me than any legacy ever would.”

“You lie. I’m cruel Ben Solo. I desire you. Without any pretence.”

“I see,” Ben replied. “And should I be fearful? Or should I say I feel the same? That I asked for your hand, partially for my own selfish reasons? That I must have you?”

“Kiss me,” Rey demanded. “Kiss me so I know it’s real.”

This kiss was sweeter than their last. With a press of his lips, Ben told her all she needed to know. There was hot desire yes but there was something deeper too. It was a kiss that said nothing more than I love you but needn’t say anything more. 

When they finally broke apart, Ben whispered in her ear, “I won’t ask you to marry me Rey Niima though I desire that almost as much as I desire you. And I desire you, wholly for all that you are and will be. Instead I ask if you will let me take you to bed?”

She replied with a question of her own: “What’s stopping you?”

***

Armitage Hux’s house had the kind of extravagance only blood money could buy. Rey gripped Poe’s arm tighter and they made their way to his ballroom where the dancing portion of their evening was taking place. 

“Money truly cannot buy taste,” Poe remarked as they passed the gold-inlaid staircase. “My family may have military money but at least the military breeds a sense of simplicity in its decor that is timeless.”

“Do you seriously plan on spending the entire evening complaining about how tacky Hux’s decor is?”

“If it gets you to stop gripping my arm with a death grip, Miss Niima, yes.”

Rey immediately loosened her grip on Poe’s arm. “I’m sorry.”

“I was the one who asked you to return to the den of vipers. The least I can do is provide my arm for you to maul.”

Rey smiled. “You say that, but actually I was the one who wanted to come back.”

“Do tell.”

“I guess I wanted to show Hux that he didn’t own me. He tried to ruin me. It was the least I could do to ruin one of his stupid parties.”

“Interesting story, Miss Niima,” Poe said before dropping his voice to a whisper. “Too bad it’s a lie. You came here for Ben Solo. How a girl like you ever let a man like that out of your sights, I will never know.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose,” Rey said.

“If it means anything,” Poe said, “We haven’t seen him at an event like these since that night. Word is he doesn’t do functions anymore.”

“Oh,” said Rey, trying to not let the disappointment show on her face. 

“Which is why, I sent a letter to his estates a week ago letting him know I was accompanying you to this event. If your Ben Solo is half the man I think he is, word that you are in the company of one of England’s most notorious scandal-maker should be enough to send him running.”

“Poe,” Rey said, the words lost in her throat.

“No need to thank me Miss Niima. Just save me a dance,” Poe said kissing her hand. “Now I must track down some champagne. Wait here for me.”

Rey stood in the corner of the ballroom, her heart pounding with each dark haired, tall man that walked by. She moved slightly to get a better view and by doing so, overheard two girls clearly discussing Ben.

“It’s been years since anyone has seen him at one of these parties,” the blonde one remarked. 

“Is he the one with that horrid scar on his face?” the brunette replied. 

I gave him that scar, Rey thought defensively before she took a step back, dislike the possessive tone the sentence had in her head. 

“Yes. Sad thing about the scar. You know what I heard? That girl he ruined a few years gave it to him,” the blonde said in a horrified tone.

Good thing I did, Rey thought. It marked girls like you to stay the fuck away.

“I heard she is here tonight. With Poe Dameron of all people. There’s no accounting for poor taste in that one.”

The blonde looked disgusted at that news. “I hope she isn’t. It’s bad enough whores exist in the first place. Flaunting them is a new low, even for Poe Dameron.”

Unable to hear anymore, Rey turned and made her way to the exit. As she made her way through the doorway, her heart dropped. Ben Solo was there.

***

That night Rey Niima gave her all to Ben Solo and she didn’t regret it. Shortly after Rey suggested to Ben that he take her to bed, the maid burst in to the library and they were forced to stand apart. Later as Rey was sitting in the parlour, Ben had slipped her a note reading simply _Tonight?_ That night, under the cover of darkness, Rey made her way to him. Once they were together, they stared at each other for a few minutes. It was as if every moment in their lives were leading up to this moment and now that they were standing at the edge of it, neither was sure what to do. 

It was Rey who kissed him first. It was Rey who reached for his shirt, pulling it off and tracing the exposed skin with her hands. It was Ben who pulled back.

“You don’t have to do this,” he said, his low voice sending heat to the bottom of her belly. “You don’t have to prove your love to me. I want to marry you regardless if you give yourself to me tonight or our wedding night.”

Rey didn’t know how to reply to this. _I haven’t said I would marry you yet. I don’t love you but I’m afraid if I do this, I might? I just need one night where I don’t wake aching from loneliness?_ She settled on kissing him again. “I want this,” was all she said when they broke apart. “Please let me have this.”

Their kissing grew more torrid and passionate. Rey felt as though she was floating down a river with Ben. As the waters rose and the danger grew nearer and nearer, Rey let herself get carried away. She pushed him down on the bed. She pulled her shift over her head and onto the floor, exposing her nude body to the low candlelight. She could hear his breath become shallower as he brought his lips to hers, his hands reaching to cup her breasts. When he gripped her nipples, she let out a soft moan of encouragement. 

When he pulled up for air, she asked if all was okay. He said yes. She gripped his arm and whispered in his ear that they had “all the time in the world to get this right.” Little did she know that this was the only time they would have to get this right.

He didn’t resume kissing. Instead, he gently pushed her down and began exploring her with his mouth. She felt hot and all too sensitive at once, the slightest touches of his tongue on her neck, her breasts, her navel releasing sounds she didn’t know she was capable of making. But it all paled to when he put his tongue on her cunt. She grabbed his long hair, desperate for something solid. With each lick, she felt herself being carried further and further upstream, no longer caring where they were headed. She could live in this moment with his mouth on her, her hands in his hair. She felt the throes of her orgasam building like a wave. It wasn’t until he brought his fingers at her clit that she crashed to shore, Ben’s name on her lips.

As she came down from her orgasam, she reached for Ben, giving him the most honest kiss she could. She didn’t say it, but she knew he felt it. The closeness was both overwhelming and not enough. Carefully, she wrapped her legs around him and helped him pull down his pants. She guided him inside her, letting out a small grunt of pleasure as he filled her. She stared into those beautiful brown eyes, her fingers tracing the scar on his face. Mine, she thought. They began to move in tandem, the delicious friction between them sending sparks down Rey’s entire body. Her toes curled in pleasure. She guided his hand to her clit and began to apply soft strokes to the sensitive skin. She could feel his desperation building and matched it with her own. God, she could have stayed with him inside her for eternity. But the pressure was building and release was imminent. With one last touch and slide, they both reached the peak. As they came together, Rey could hear him whisper her name like a prayer.

***

Ben Solo noticed Rey almost immediately after she noticed him. Five years was a long time. But in that minute it felt like almost nothing. Just long enough to forget what it felt like to have Ben Solo’s eyes on you and it feel like you were the centre of his world. He had looked like that when he emptied himself inside her, when she had fallen asleep in his arms. How far away from that they were now. 

Rey curtseyed to him. “Lord Solo.”

He didn’t reply. Christ his eyes were dark enough to carry yourself away in. Rey wondered if the formal greeting hurt him as much as it hurt her. They had shared everything and yet in this moment, they were strangers. Rey made her way out into the fresh air, not caring to look if he was following her. 

He was.

“Rey?”

She turned. God it hurt to look at him. She hadn’t seen him since she left his house that day so long ago. 

“What are you doing here, Rey?”

The spell was broken. Distance had made it easy to forget how mad she was at him. “I may be a ruined women but I have just a right to be here as you do, Solo,” she retorted, using his last name as a final wound and a reminder of what he had chosen instead. 

“Please tell me you aren’t seriously here with Dameron.”

“Why does it matter? A woman of my station has little choice in the company she keeps. You made sure of that.”

Even in the dark, Rey could see him flinch. 

“Rey I-”

“If you apologize,” Rey interrupted, “I may throw up. I’m a fallen women but I still have my dignity. Not even you could take that away from me.”

He stepped forward but she moved away. “Don’t touch me,” she said. She shook her head, feeling an almost hysterical laughter rise in her throat. “I don’t know what I thought this would accomplish. Seeing you again. Maybe the hurt between is is too big a chasm to cross.”

“Don’t say that.”

Rey laughed then. A cruel, distorted laugh that was a stranger to her. “Tell me then,” she said, “If I was just Luke Skywalker’s ward and you were a simple farmer… would you kiss me now?”

The silence that followed couldn’t mask the sound of her heart breaking.

“I thought so,” Rey said as she disappeared into the night.

***

There was something heavenly about waking up in another’s arms. For the first time in a long time, Rey did not feel as though she was alone. She watched the sun slowly rise, aware of the ticking clock. There will be other mornings like this, Rey thought and she moved to get up.

“Where are you going?” Ben looked adorable in the morning sun, his hair sticking up all over the place, revealing his big ears.

“I need to go to my room.”

“Stay.” He half tugged her arm and lay a kiss on her forehead.

“I need to go,” she said, giving him a kiss. “I’ll just be down the hall.”

Even though she had no idea what was about to happen, Rey couldn’t help but remember the movement from Ben’s room to hers with the sense that something terrible was about to happen. The day itself was unremarkable with Rey calling on Rose and Ben out meeting with someone who he claimed might be able to help fix some of the business dealings that Han had so terribly messed up. 

What happened next was a series of dominos that once one action occurred, the rest could not help but fall. What if Rose had not cut their visit short due to Finn arriving at their house unannounced? What if Rey hadn’t taken a carriage home and instead walked the way? Either way, it resulted in her arriving just early enough to hear a conversation that changed everything for her.

The male voices were the first thing Rey heard when she arrived home. For some reason, she didn’t announce her presence. Instead, she creeped towards the parlour where the sounds were emanating from. Maybe on some level she realized that what she was hearing was not meant to be overheard. Maybe she knew they were talking about her. Either way, nothing could prevent her from hearing what came next.

“Your uncle’s ward, Rey Niima, is living with you? Please tell me this isn’t going to be a problem for you Ben. This deal is too important to throw away over a girl.”

“The girl means nothing to me Hux. The business that you and Snoke are operating is exactly what I need to restore my family name. That is the ultimate priority.”

“I’ve seen the way you look at her. Snoke doesn’t like it. He thinks you are getting cold feet. If it’s sex you want from her, procure it and move on. Or any other simple brown haired country girls. Once you find that bedding one is like any other, you’ll move on. I can find you one if you must.”

“I won’t settle for anything less than the real thing. Besides, it’s over now.”

Rey couldn’t see them but she could hear the smile in Hux’s voice when he spoke the next words: “You sly dog. You got her didn’t you? I told you, country girls like her spread for anyone who asks.”

“It doesn’t matter. All that matters is you were right. Girls like her are the kind you bed, never wed.”

Everything hurt. Rey couldn’t remember getting to the door but she had a faint memory of seeing Ben’s hurt face as she left. The next few days were a blur of tears and hiding at Rose’s house. When Rose offered her a governess position at her friend Kaydel’s house, Rey jumped on the chance to escape. By then, word of what she and Ben had done was everywhere. Trying so desperately to forget the man that she loved, she threw herself into work. Her days as a socialite were over. She swore to herself that she would never rely on another man for anything ever again. From now on she would be as she always had been: alone.

***

Rose didn’t ask what had happened to cause Rey to return in tears. She merely held Rey as she cried. Five years separated this visit from her last and yet the result was the same: heartbroken by Ben Solo. Rey could not remember sleeping that night but awoke to an empty bed and an empty heart. When she finally found the strength to see other people, it was noon and Finn and Rose were in their dining room.

Before any of them could comment on what she was certain was her horrific appearance, Rey said, “I don’t want to hear it.”

“I wasn’t going to ask,” Rose said.

“I just live here,” Finn said and then after a pause remarked, “Poe says you owe him a dance.”

“Well he’ll have to cash in at a later date. I’m planning on returning north soon. I’m so sorry Rose, I wish I could be there for you and your baby. I guess this visit was a failure on many levels.”

Rose sighed. “Rey, you are my best friend. But even I know what you and I have is nothing on what you and he had.”

“I just feel so stupid,” Rey said. “I don’t know what possessed me to think things would be different this time. People like him don’t change.”

Before anyone could reply, a maid entered with a package. Taking the package from her, Finn said, “It’s addressed to you Rey.”

“No doubt it’s pamphlets on my moral degradation,” Rey said, “I think we got sent these last time.”

The package was heavier than she expected. Puzzled, she unwrapped it to reveal a heavy book which she hadn’t seen in five years: _Poems by Currer, Ellis, and Acton Bell_. Her heart beat faster. Opening the book, she flipped through its pages until she came to a piece of paper attached to the poem “Plead for me.” Hands shaking, she opened it.

_If I were a farmer, and you Luke Skywalker’s ward, I would know to care for something as precious as you. I would kiss you like the sunlight kisses the crops in the field. You think me forgetful, cruel man. When the truth is the day that I lost you to my own vanity, I lost myself. You are to me like colour to a blind eye. I am lost in the world without you. Please don’t say it’s too late, that you have set your sights on another. I love you, I love you, I love you._

It wasn’t signed but Rey knew who it was from. Making some terrible excuse, she stood and walked into the bustling Bath roads, wandering as if in a dream. She kept walking until she reached her destination. As if in a dream, she raised her hand to the door and rapped twice. The door opened.

“It took you long enough.” Time had altered Leia Organa, turning her dark brown hair grey. But her no nonsense tone remained the same. Rey followed Leia into her parlour, the house virtually untouched since the last time she had been here. She clutched tightly to the book, careful to ensure that Ben’s precious letter would remain between its pages. “Between you and Ben, I wasn’t sure who is the subborner one. You remind me of myself and my husband when we were younger that way. I figured you could you use a push. And thank goodness I did. It might have been another five years before you two would speak again.”

“You sent the book? Did you write the letter too?”

Leia laughed as she sat down on her favourite parlour chair. “My girl, no. That was a hundred percent Ben. I just fished it from his desk where it would have sat unsent along with the thousands of other letters he’s written to you over the years. Tea?”

Rey stared at her, in shock. She sat in the nearest chair and nodded her head. Leia gestured towards her maid and made the order.

“Leia, how much do you know?”

“Everything my dear. I may be old, but I’m not deaf to gossip. If Ben had listened to me all those years ago when he came to me after his meeting with Hux in a rage, maybe we wouldn’t have this problem. But the boy I raised is every bit as stubborn as his father. That’s why we are in this mess to begin with.”

“I know Han made some bad investments-”

“Bad investments? My girl, you don’t know the half of it. I had to bail that man out of prison more times than I would like to remember. Bad investments were the least of Han Solo’s problems.”

“Why did you marry him then?”

“Because,” Leia stopped as the tea entered and poured herself a cup. “Because seven months after we married, Ben was born.”

Realization dawned on Rey’s face. “Oh.”

“I know something about being socially ruined, Rey Niima. Of course, it’s different when you’re a man. If anything, taking my virginity elevated Han like it did Ben. Unlike you, I had a title and enough of a dowry that no one would dare touch me. I was untouchable in every way you weren’t and that is my biggest regret.”

Rey held the cup of hot tea in her hand, unable to process half of what she was hearing. 

Leia continued, “I told him that night. I said, ‘You marry that girl tonight Ben Solo.’” She laughed bitterly. “He told me, ‘Like that turned out so well for you and my father.’ And he was right. When it was good, it was so good between his father and I. But the older we got, the fewer those good moments were. I loved his father more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life but we were fundamentally incompatible. Maybe if we’d been together for longer than a season, we would have figured that out. In any case, Ben paid the price for our sins and I’ve always regretted it for that reason.

“When I suggested he do the same, I wasn’t trying to get him to repeat my mistake. I’d seen the two of you. What is between you is very different than what was between me and my husband. He saw it that way though. And when I told him that if he didn’t marry you, he would lose you, he said, “I told her that she wasn’t alone. By rejecting her, I’ve already lost her.’ The next five years was an eternity for him. I’ve never seen a man so tortured. He blamed himself for it. I blamed me. I’m sure you blamed you. You both doomed yourselves to a lifetime of loneliness. And it broke my heart.”

Rey could feel the tears running down her cheeks. Leia paused to wipe away a tear of her own before continuing, “And then the craziest thing happened. You came back. You came back for my son. Maybe it wasn’t too late.

“Of course you are both so stubborn. Neither wanting to admit that you are wrecks without each other. So I gave you a push. And here you are.”

“Leia,” Rey said but the words died at her throat.

“Please Rey. I’m an old woman. I’d like to see my son happy before I die.” As Leia finished her sentence, Ben entered the room. “Right on schedule,” Leia said as she stood to leave. “I’ll leave you two to it.”

Suddenly for the second time in less than a day, Rey and Ben were alone together. The silence between them was deafening. Finally, unable to bear it anymore, Rey spoke. “I don’t know much about men but surely it isn’t the habit of most to treat those they love like shit.” When Ben moved to interrupt her, Rey shook her head. “Let me finish. I may be beneath you socially, but you are my equal in the eyes of God. Just because I am from dirt, doesn’t give you permission to treat me like it. I care about you more than you know but I am not going to let you step over me like you have just because I now know you love me. If you love me, you respect me. So please. Explain. Because right now, I’m awfully confused.” 

Ben exhaled. Rey’s hands shook as he spoke. 

“I met Armitage Hux my first year at Oxford. He heard of me and my family. His employer, a man named Snoke, wished to do business with me. At the time, my control over the family operations was limited. But I maintained the contact. After graduation when my father’s illness grew worse and it became more and more clear that I would likely inherit everything, I reached out. We sketched out a business deal, even worse than anything my father did, before my father’s death that I promised to honour. But then I met you.” Ben looked at Rey with those dark eyes of his. “And everything changed.

“At first I thought I could have both. But then I drunkenly confessed about my feelings to Hux before you arrived in Bath. And he told me to end it.

“Of course, I was beginning to grow suspicious of Hux and Snoke and their motivations. I was hoping that I would find my way out of the deal that we struck but then you arrived in Bath and I lost any common sense. 

“For me, my name has never been more than a burden. I was raised with my mother’s expectation that I would inherit everything her father left her and restore it to glory. For a while, I thought that was what I wanted. I was so sure it was. And then I met you. And I realized that what I wanted had nothing to do with titles and everything to do with a simple girl named Rey Niima. 

“And I tried to juggle both. I truly tried. The day after we made love, I met with a family friend who was building a case against Snoke and wanted my testimony. I was ready to give it all up for you. And then, Hux showed up unexpectedly. I didn’t want him to think I had gotten cold feet so I did what seemed to be the most logical thing to do at the time: I lied. And I have spent the last five years regretting it.

“I lost you. And with you, I lost my will to live. My mother did for me what she had done countless times for my father and bailed me out so that I wouldn’t face any legal consequences for my dealings with Snoke. But by then, it was too late. I tried to find you, apologize to you but your friend Rose refused to give me your address. I’m guessing by your wishes.”

Rey nodded.

“I deserved that and everything you threw at me. I left the businesses in the hands of my mother, who really should have been running things all along. And I left. First for the contientant. Then to Luke’s where he basically told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and make myself into the kind of person that should you ever return, you’d be worthy of. And I did. I spent hours with him mediatiting and self reflecting.”

Ben laughed. “You know, before he died, he told me that if I didn’t track you down and marry you within a year of him dying, he would give his assets to the poor. And I told him that is what he should do anyway, he smiled and said I passed his last test though I should still track you down and marry you. And then he told me where you were.”

“Why didn’t you come?” Rey asked, tears flooding down her cheeks.

“But I didn’t because, selfishly I suppose, I thought you deserved better and that I was respecting your wishes by letting you have your space. It was not one of my finer lies. Anyway, I had heard that you were marrying Poe Dameron and I thought it was for the best. Or that’s what I told myself.

“Turns out, being at peace with you moving on is easier said than done. Once I heard that you were going to Bath, I couldn’t help myself. I returned to Bath just for the feeling of being in the same city as you. I had lived with you so long in my head that I needed you to be real. Even if it meant it was over. And then of course when I got the letter from Dameron telling me that he was not interested in you and that I should come to the dance, I was like a man possessed. I had to see you. And of course, as soon as I did see you, I managed to fuck it up so spectacularly that I thought you were lost to me forever. 

“And here we are. Here I stand before you, Ben Solo, Duke of Alderaan. Hoping that maybe you will find me worthy of your love.”

“Ben.” Rey stood.

“Rey,” he said, her name hushed like a prayer.

She placed her hand on his cheek, carefully tracing the scar on his cheek that she had given him all those years ago. She traced his lips with the skin of her thumb before placing them towards her own. It was a gentle kiss but a sorrowful one, mournful of the years lost but optimistic for the years yet to come. It was a kiss that said nothing and yet everything. 

“Benjamin Solo,” she said as they broke apart. “I have loved you my entire life. Marry me?”

He pulled her into an embrace, kissing her again, this time a more desperate kiss brimmed with desire. “Rey Niima. Really must you ask?”

**Author's Note:**

>  **Historical Notes:**  
>  Yes much of the Star Wars name canon doesn’t fit with 19th century naming conventions. While I have read some lovely AUs that make the names more period conventional, I lack the creativity to do just that.  
> Schooling for girls varied in the 19th century as some parents schooled their girls at home while others sent them away (sometimes with disastrous results). I have imagined Luke as the sort of eccentric who taught Rey until the accident, at which point (for better or worse) he turned her away.  
> The poem Ben quotes to Rey in the library is [The Lady of Shalott by Alfred Lord Tennyson](https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Lady_of_Shalott_\(1842\)). Two versions of this poem exist, though the line Ben quotes exists the same in both. The 1842 is my personal favourite and the one I have linked so I like to imagine it’s that one. The Lady says this line as she views two lovers in the mirror, a lament of her current conditions prior to meeting Lancelot so the symbolism seems fitting :)  
> The Romantics especially (particularly Percy Shelley) were obsessed with Eastern philosophy such as Hinduism. Considering how much the force is based on Eastern thinking, I couldn’t resist including it.  
> Poems by Arthur, Ellis, and Currer Bell sold famously poorly (only one copy though the man who bought it was appreciative of it enough to ask for signatures (coincidentally the only known page to contain all three Bronte sisters’ signatures as their pseudonyms). While Luke was obviously not the buyer, I like to imagine him having a massive collection of poetry and being ahead of his time.  
> Elizabeth Barrett Browning was actually more famous than her husband during the 19th century. Many believed she was the natural choice for Poet Laureate after William Wordsworth’s death but the position ultimately went to Tennyson.  
> The Brontë poem Rey quotes is [Emily’s “I am the Only Being Whose Doom.”](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/52309/i-am-the-only-being-whose-doom) It’s quite melancholy and fits perfectly for Ben’s life. Let’s call Rey’s ability to quote poetry that describes Ben Solo my version of the force bond ;)  
> Ann Radcliffe helped create and popularize the early Gothic novel. Her novels are quite melodramatic and were viewed as acceptable lady reading material in the beginning of the 19th century because they weren’t considered “real” art. However, once the Victorian period began, the novel began to be viewed as more of an art form. Ben is being purposefully old fashioned and insulting in his suggestion to read her.  
> The 19th century was a period of great class mobility with many working class people achieving economic success that had been previously reserved for the gentry (aka people with noble blood). There was some distrust and prejudice from old families towards these people. I like to think of Rose and Finn’s families as these stock. While Rey likely has gentry parentage, she is impoverished with no title or land and has more in common with Jane Eyre than say Elizabeth Bennett in that regard.  
> [Plead For Me by Emily Brontë](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43713/plead-for-me)  
> The last sentence is of course inspired by Jane Eyre’s famous “Reader I married him.” The fic in general is inspired by Persuasion in the second chance of love and a letter playing a vital role in the climax. The Mill on the Floss inspiration comes from the sympathetic exploration of a fallen woman, the sex scene having the boat metaphor and being “carried away”, and again a vital letter (though this outcome is much happier).
> 
> My [twitter](https://twitter.com/maggietullivers) and [tumblr](http://elizabethtudors.tumblr.com/) :) come say hi


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